CORVETTE OWNER EXECUTED FOR NOT WAVING AT OTHER CORVETTE OWNERS

CORTLAND - James Tolls, a 36-year old Chevrolet Corvette owner from Warren Ohio, was summarily executed today by State Troopers after being stopped on State Route-5 in Cortland, Ohio. Witnesses report that Tolls, the owner of a yellow 1995 Corvette coupe, passed three other Corvettes in a span of less than two hours and did not give a smug wave to any of the other drivers.

State Police officials report that Tolls was pulled over at approximately 4:35 PM-EST and was quickly surrounded by over 30 troopers. When Tolls stepped out of his vehicle, Police opened fire on him, riddling his body with over 150 bullets and killing him almost instantly. Luckily, the Corvette was not hit by any of the large-caliber bullets and was in no way injured or damaged during the incident. Five bystanders, however, were killed in the hail of police gunfire. The Corvette was then quickly towed off and has already been donated to a new, more deserving owner.

As always, however, the aftermath of such a horrible and brutal crime continues to profoundly affect those who were involved. One of the victims of the drive-by non-wave, Michael Warner, a life-long resident of Cortland and the owner of a blue, 1971 Corvette Stingray convertible, told reporters, "I just couldn't believe it...he drove right past me and didn't even wave back when I gave him the "Vette Owner's Wave." He concluded, "...and I know he saw me waving at him."

Two other victims, the retired Mr. and Mrs. Jefferson and Amelia Metz from nearby Sharon Pennsylvania, were just out for a relaxing, afternoon drive in their red, mint-condition 1962 Corvette when they suffered through Tolls' criminal act. "It was horrible, just horrible!" said Metz. "I feel so violated by that bastard...things weren't like this back in the good old days when I was a kid." He continued, "I mean for Christ's sake, it's a '62 Vette...a '62!...if he won't wave at a '62, he deserves to be dead." Metz then excused himself to comfort his obviously upset wife as she sobbed quietly in his arms.

The name of the third victim of the drive-by non-wave is being withheld by the police as they are a minor. It has been learned, however, that the victim is a 17-year old girl from nearby Niles Ohio who had borrowed her father's pewter-colored, 2002 Corvette to go and visit a friend when she was attacked by Tolls. It is common for law enforcement agencies to withhold the names and personal information of victims in cases such as this involving people under the age of 18.

It is a Law in all fifty states in the U.S. that Corvette owners must wave at each other when they pass each other on a public road or in a parking lot. Both the United States Congress and Senate have proposed bills making such a law a Federal statute several time over the last 35 years but have not been able to get the bill out of committee. One reason is that an amendment requiring Corvettes to park backwards in a parking spot and, whenever possible, near another Corvette, has been viewed as unacceptable by Democrats who say they otherwise favor the law.

Tolls limp, lifeless body was later chained to a cement block and quietly dumped into the Mahoning river by two off-duty State Police officers in nearby Youngstown, Ohio without any type of ceremony or funeral service.